My first love letter for my little man

3/8/14

My Dearest Cannon,

Consider this your first love letter J Less than two months until you are born, and I cannot wait to hold you and know the love of a little baby boy. I find myself struggling a little bit to write this to you, because I’ve never really thought about HOW to be a “boy mom” before… but I know it will come just as natural as it did to be a “girl mom” with your big sister Kyli.

Let me just say that you have been quite the active little fella in my tummy. I love feeling you kick and roll all around, and I adore when you get the hiccups. You woke me up at around 3am the other morning with the sweet little hiccup bumps, and I couldn’t think of a sweeter way to have my sleep interrupted. Of course, that is, until you are actually in my arms and I get to rock you and feed you and snuggle you and love you in the present.

I am often reminded that as a mom of a little boy, I have a big responsibility. You see, it’s a little bit easier for a mom to raise a little girl, because a little girl is just a smaller version of me. She will be girly, but sporty at the same time… She will find a man like her daddy, and she will love him and treat him like I treat your father. She will take care of herself and care about her appearance.  But most of all, she will be a Godly woman who puts God, her husband, and her kids first… and in that order.

But you know… I just realized something. As the mom of a boy, I am actually teaching you the exact same things, except these are things that I hope you look for in your future wife. I hope that she will be girly, but not be too afraid to get dirty or use a power tool to help you around the house. I hope that she loves you so unconditionally like I love your father… (and if she doesn’t, then momma don’t play that and I’ll have to shoo her away… just sayin’). I hope that she keeps up with her appearance, and I hope that she finds the time in the day to look nice for you so that that “spark” is always there. (And you need to look nice for her as well). But most of all, I hope that you find a Godly woman that puts God, you, and your kids first… and also in that order.

But my dear Cannon… one of my biggest responsibilities I will have as a “boy mom” will be teaching you how to respect women… all women. This includes me, your sisters, your grandmother’s, cousins, teachers, girlfriends, etc. You will also need to be taught how to respect all men, and learn from which ones are good examples to follow, and those that are not so good. It is not lost upon me that I will soon be raising a man of my own. Men have a big job in this world. Don’t get me wrong, women do too, and don’t you forget that. But men are supposed to be just the right mixture of strong and sensitive, wise and inquisitive, proud and humble, and brave and timid. But you are lucky sweet Cannon… You have an amazing father that is just the right amount of all of these things. He will be my biggest help in guiding you and training you in the way that is right. Just like he has with your sisters and brother, he will ALWAYS be there for you, as will I. You are extremely lucky to have a man like him to look up to, and I can’t wait to see all the things he will teach you.  

And then one day… a day that I am dreading even now… We’ll have to set you free into this world and trust that we have done exactly what we are supposed to do. I know that we will create a man that is every bit as amazing as your father, if not more. You always want your kids to be better than you, and you will learn that one day when you become a daddy.

Baby boy, you are so special to me already. I love you more than any other person in this world could love you. I can’t wait for the day to kiss your sweet little lips and cheeks and to caress your hair (whatever color it may be J ). I know that you are going to change my entire world, and I know it’s only going to be for the better. I am so in love with you already, and I know that it will only grow deeper with every minute that passes.

I feel you rolling around in my tummy right now as I write this, and yep… you just kicked super hard like I’m used to you doing. You’re something special already, I just know it.

I love you forever and always,

Mommy

Letter to Kyli, January 1, 2013

January 1, 2013

Dear Kyli,

In 6 days, you’ll be 2 years old, and I can hardly believe it. You have done so much this year! You are walking, talking, STILL DANCING, and have developed your own special little personality.  We just got back from Keystone Colorado for Christmas, and you LOVED the snow. I was pleasantly surprised and loved watching your eyes light up as you got to play outside. One of the best feelings in the world is to watch your child’s eyes light up with wonder and amazement at the little things in life.

Tonight, as I was getting ready to go to bed, I decided to go check on you one more time before I go to sleep myself. I ended up crawling in your crib and holding you as you sleep. Very quickly, tears started running down my face. I realize that these moments that I have to just hold you and you LET me are getting fewer and farther between. And quite frankly, I’m not ok with that. It hurts your mommy’s heart to think that you’ll ever choose going to your friends house over hanging out with me, or you’ll let go of my hand as you walk towards the school, or that you’ll ever not let me kiss you in public. As a mom, I struggle day to day on how to be the best mom I can be for you. Am I doing it right? I certainly hope so. It’s such a big responsibility, and I only get one chance to do it right. I constantly struggle with time. Time is such a blessing and such a curse at the same time. Do I take an hour to myself to go to the gym to be healthy for you and for myself, or do I stay at home to snuggle with you for that extra hour…? Do I put you down in your crib at 8pm so that you can get all the sleep you need, or do I hold you on the couch for another hour and just savor it because I know it’s not always gonna last…? I am going to college to get my degree in Occupational Therapy, and I know it’s going to take up a lot of my time. And for what? To spend more time away from you, doing a career that I hope I’ll love a fraction as much as I do love spending time with you…? I constantly ask myself these questions, and it’s always going through my mind. It’s a guilty feeling that never really goes away. “Mom’s guilt” I guess is what it’s called.

You may not understand these internal conflicts until you are a mom yourself. The constant internal conflict of doing for yourself vs. doing for your child. I know in the back of my mind that the things I am doing for myself are in turn for you as well. I want to be in shape and healthy in order for you to have a happy healthy mom that’s energetic and is able to run around with you. I also know that you need all the sleep you can get, as you are growing and becoming more mature. And the biggest conflict I have, the school conflict, is one that I really have to self talk myself into these days. I want to make you proud of me. I want you to see me walk across the stage as I get my degree, and think “that’s my mommy! She did it, and I’M going to do it one day as well!” I want you to be a strong, independent woman who can take care of herself someday, and I have to be that person for you to admire first. I want to lay a path for you, little girl. A path that you will be proud to walk down one day, and that includes doing for myself. I’m just terribly sorry that I waited so long to do it, and that it wasn’t finished before you were born. It should’ve been completed, and I apologize to you for that.

I know you have developed your own personality and that you are trying to be little miss independent from time to time. It may seem like I lose my patience with you, and I have to “discipline” you by putting you in the corner from time to time, or not respond to your temper tantrums that you randomly throw whenever you don't get something that you want. You must think to yourself “why isn’t she picking me up when I cry?? Doesn’t she know I need her right now?” Please know that I am doing the best I can, and that it hurts my heart to have to give you a dose of “tough love” sometimes. (Gosh, if it’s this hard now, how hard is it going to be when you’re older and the situations are a little tougher??)

I hope you know how much I love you, and that I want to spend every waking (and sleeping for that matter) minute with you. If I could just hold you all day long and give you kisses, I think I’d die a happy woman. I think to myself “maybe if I hold her all day long, everyday, she won’t grow up as fast!” But unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. You have to grow up, and I have to sit and watch it happen. You are the best little girl in the whole wide world, and I wish everyone could see how lucky I am to have you. You make me a better person, and I promise you that I will do whatever I can to help mold you and shape you into the best woman that you can possibly be. But please, just don’t let it happen too terribly fast.

I love you so much it hurts,

Your Mommy

6 months in a nutshell. A very lengthy nutshell.

WELL HELLO THERE!!!!

My goodness, it's been A WHILE since I've blogged. I haven't exactly had a lot of free time tho, so please don't hate me.

As of right now, my 6 month old... YES... 6 MONTH OLD, and my husband are taking naps. Kyli has the remnents of a cold still, and Billy is taking a nap break while he's on call at work.

It's quiet in my house. I have nothing to do. (<--- this statement is not entirely true. I could do the dishes, clean the bathroom, etc. none of those are things that I WANT to do.)

So I decided to blog. Blogging is kind of a "me" thing anyway. It lets me get out things, and be creative. I really enjoy writing... I never really thought I'd say that, but it kind of puts me at ease. It's sometimes exhausting, sometimes relaxing, sometimes enjoyable, and sometimes frustrating. However, it is ALWAYS freeing. I always seem to get lost in it. Anway, moving on...

So 6 months... How did this happen so quickly?? 6 months ago, I had a precious little TINY tiny baby that slept all the time, ate all the time, and was held all the time. Only 1 of those things is true now. Can you guess which one it is??

Yep. The last one :) Obviously, she is not deprived of the sleeping and eating factor one bit, but my girl does like to be held. And I'm fairly certain she is held all day with Granna... I DON'T KNOW... but i'm fairly certain ;) And with the lack of me seeing her during the week, I pretty much hold her, ummm, A LOT when we are at home. She might be really a wee bit spoiled...

Anyway, so what has she accomplished in her 6 months of life so far? SO MUCH! She smiles a lot now, such a happy girl. She likes to giggle. She rolls over like a champ. And she has finally figured out how to stay sitting up when you put her that way.

We're still working on the eating thing. She gets her oatmeal at night whenever we get home, and she likes to play with her food already! We'll be moving on to other foods shortly. I've decided I want to try to make her own baby food. I hope this is beneficial and enjoyable. I suspect it will be, but I will keep you posted.

 My smiley girl :)

 Rollin over all over tha place!

First time trying cereal... RICE cereal. Fail. She hated it. (p.s. look at my prissy pinky stickin' up as I feed her, pshhhh)

 Oh, and she learned how to suck on her feet. It's cute now, cause it's not like she walks anywhere yet.

So about this work thing... Billy and I had been taking about the possible opportunity for me to quit my job. One weekend, a few weeks back, we made the decision that yes; I will be able to stay at home!

After discussing this with my managers, they were happy with me, but sad to see me go. The next day, however, they offered me the opportunity to work 3 days from home! I jumped on it! Sure, it would be awesome to keep my paycheck, AND be with my baby girl all at the same time. She's pretty low key (even tho she likes to be held), and I don't see it being a problem with me being at home with her. Not to mention, it will save tons of money on gas. Which, by the way, I drive over 120 miles round trip a day right now... INSANE. That's 600 miles a week. Roughly 15k miles a YEAR... thats roughly RIDICULOUS.

Anyway, so I'm just waiting on my laptop at work to be sent to me, and then I'm home! 

I was going to go to school fulltime whenever I quit, but I've decided to just take a few classes since I will still be working. I've also decided to get my degree in English, get my teaching certification, and minor in photojournalism. Lots of opportunities. 

So I took 6 month old pics of Miss Priss yesterday at the park, and I will leave you with that. We didn't get a ton of great shots, BUT that is because she's still fighting a summer cold. However, she is a trooper. When the camera is on her, she knows it, and she works it! Just like the true beauty that she is :)

 

Until next time...

OUCH!

Ouch you say?

Yes OUCH!

You know that saying "I love you so much, it hurts"..? That's where my "OUCH" comes from.

Kyli is 6 weeks old today, and she is growing up and changing so much! I love holding her, talking to her, walking over to her swing to see that her eyes are wide open and she's just taking it all in... etc. I love it all.

I talk to Kyli a lot. I try to get her to smile, and to respond to my voice. She will kick her legs, open her mouth, look at me, and shake her arms. But no smiles.

When she sleeps, she smiles away... I don't know what she's dreaming about, but it must be good! What do babies dream about anyway? Mommy's milk? The good ol' days in the womb? Being held? All good things I'm sure.

But this evening, something happened! I'm talking away to her like normal, and she sneezes. I always say "bess you!" when she does. No, I did not misspell that. It's BESS you. When you are talking to a baby, sometimes you leave out letters, add letters, add r's and w's to things that don't belong.. etc. When she is older and more refined, I will add that L in there, but right now, I don't think she can handle it :) Nor do I want to say it, cause BESS sounds way cuter!

Anyway, so I proceed to ask her "my goodness Kyli, do you have allergies or somethin?" And then.... wait for it....

WAIT FOR IT...

SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I had a picture to post, I would! But I wasn't about to miss out on what I was seeing. I squealed and said "Ohhhh!!! I got a smile!!!"

Her smile did not last very long, cause as soon as I started squealing, she looked at me like I was crazy. I hope she didn't think she did something wrong, and that's why I was making a noise. My heart just leaped for joy and I couldn't contain my happiness!

She smiled at me one more time after that, about 20 seconds later. And then no more.

It is now my life goal to make this child smile. I will do whatever it takes.

Want me to wear a hula skirt with a plaid shirt and do a hip hop dance?




DONE!!!



How about crazy eye glasses, a bow tie, and do leap frog around the living room??





YOU GOT IT, LITTLE GIRL!!!

Kyli, I sat here tonight while everyone was gone, and just held you and hugged you while you slept. I started crying because it is so overwhelming how much I love you.

I realized that six weeks ago, I was probably doing the exact same thing. And 6 months from now, I'll be doing it again. And 6 years from now...again... And then another 6 years from now... 6 more years... 6 more years. I will probably want to hold you when you're 60!! I hope you never get "too big" to hold.

I just can't believe how you found a part of my heart that I didn't even know existed. A part of my heart that you held the key to all along. So yes, baby girl... I love you so much, that it indeed hurts.

I've got an amazing husband that I know would do anything for me. Two incredible bonus kids that I count my blessings for every single day. And now, a delicate little baby that tugs at my heart strings and won't let go. How did I get so lucky?

My heart is full, and my smile is permanent.

Ouch.

(here's a picture of her royal cuteness on her 6 weeks smiley day!)

(Wouldn't you be a hula and plaid wearing hip hop dancer for her too??)

Hello strangers. Here is my birth story :)

Ok, so it's been a while since I've blogged. I know, I know... how come it's taken so long?? I mean, it's not like I've been BUSY or anything... How dare I want to spend my time cuddling a tiny little angel, than blogging! :)


I figured I would start this "Post Mommyhood" blog with sharing my birth story.


So the last time I blogged was the day before I was induced. I went to the doctor that day at 3:30. The doctor checked me, and I was dilated to a 2, and about 80% effaced. Everything was great and set for induction the next morning. The doctor stated that he didn't expect my labor to be long, since I had already made some progress.

Billy's parents, sister, and niece had come in to town, and we were meeting them right after the doctor's appointment. So we checked them into their hotel, and were deciding where to go eat. I told everyone I needed to use the restroom first before we left, and when I did, I became a little startled at what I found...



I was bleeding... A LOT. I had never bled like that before, and I started freaking out. It was about 5 or 6 by this point. I told Billy, and he looked at what was in the toilet, and was shocked too.

We decided to call the doctor and see what he would like for us to do. I was starting to freak out a little bit. I was afraid that something was wrong with the baby, or that I was going into labor at that moment. I mean, I had a SCHEDULED DATE to have this baby. I wasn't mentally prepared to go into labor 12 hours before I was scheduled to. How silly is that?

Anyway, for whatever reason, it took forever for my doctor to get back to me (which is very unusual for him). We decided to drive over to the hospital and check in. I sat out in the parking lot and made everyone else wait. I was terrified. Looking back now, I really don't know why i was so scared. But I did not want to go in unless the doctor told me to. He never called me back, and we decided to go in anyways.

So whenever I was checked in and on the bed, the nurse examined me and informed me that I was now dilated to a 4! The reason for my bleeding was because I dilated so quickly. Since I was being induced about 12 hours later, they gave me the option of staying, or going home and waiting it out until the morning. We decided to leave. I didn't want to stay in the hospital yet. It made me nervous and uncomfortable. We checked into the hotel that Billy's family was staying at (since our home was 30 minutes away, and the hotel was about 5). Thank GOD our bags were already packed and ready and in the jeep.

That night, I MAYBE got 3 hours of sleep. I was feeling a tiny bit of back labor, but they were sporadic, and only about 7 minutes apart. When everyone was gone getting food, I had a tiny melt down (ok, big melt down) on the bed with Billy. Truth is, I was terrified to go through labor. I had never been in the hospital before, and this was my first time at experiencing anything major. Billy, being the rock and the love of my life, calmed me down and reassured me that I was gonna be ok. He is so good at calming me down, and I couldn't have done it without him.

So we checked in at 5am the next morning. My plan was for a NATURAL labor, even though I was being induced. The nurse started to put an iv in my hand, and I started getting anxiety. I told her "can you give me that numbing stuff, so that I don't feel this??" and she said "oh you don't need it, you're having a natural birth", and didn't give me the DANG stuff!!!! I was not happy. She missed the vein the first time, and I started panicking and feeling light headed. The baby's heartbeat started slowing down, so they put the oxygen mask on me. You know WHY it started slowing down? Because I was holding my breath (on accident) and having a lot of anxiety over the iv. If she had giving me the numbing spray like I asked, this wouldn't have happened! She was the only person I had an issue with the whole time I was in the hospital,... and thank GOD, her shift was over in a couple hours.

So everything was fine and running smoothly. Even though I was on pitocin, I never felt a contraction. That is, UNTIL my doctor came in, checked me, and my water broke. At that point, I was dilated to a 6. Immediately, I felt every single contraction after that, and let me tell you... it was pure H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS!! I'd never felt anything like that before. My contractions weren't your typical contractions. I'd have one for a full minute, it would die down, and another one would start up IMMEDIATELY afterwards. And then I would get 1 minute.. maybe 2 minutes of rest, and then my back to back contractions would start up again.

It got to the point where I felt like i was 1) going to die, or 2) going to die. Maybe a little dramatic choice of words, but I was having that feeling that I physically wasn't going to be able to make it if this continued.

No one offered me any pain medicine, because that was what I had requested. I wanted to be the one to say that I needed something... not someone else.

The doctor came in, checked me, and as he was walking towards the door, he said "are you sure you don't want anything? We can give you a shot, or an epidural, and make everything more comfortable for you". I looked at Billy, looked at my mom (as she was crying... I'm sure it's really hard to see your child go through such intense pain), and asked the doctor about the different effects the pain meds would have on the baby. He informed me that the meds given through the iv would reach the baby, and she might come out a little woozy, and that the epidural wouldn't effect the baby at all.

I looked at Billy again, and he must've known that I didn't want to admit it, but I NEEDED something. He said "why don't we go ahead and get the epidural...?" After thinking for a split second, I finally broke down and said yes... I NEED an epidural. I heard "Oh thank God" from my family, and they immediately got me on more iv liquids that needed to be in my system before I could get the epidural. I was informed that it would be 20 minutes before the anesthesiologist would be able to administer it. That felt like a LIFETIME.

By the time the anesthesiologist got there, I was dilated to an 8 or 9, and did not care about any pain that was going to come from having a catheter placed in my spine. I was HAPPY to have it. I immediately felt a little edge off of the pain, and then my legs got tingly. The miracle stuff was working. I was in love with the good stuff. And Dr. Fox, you will always be my hero. Thank you for that happy juice.

I slept for about an hour, and then it was time to push. Can I just say that pushing was the best part of my labor?? I LOVED it. That's weird, isn't it?

At one point, I had Billy put the song "Push it" by Salt N Peppa on. I started doing a little head nod, dancing you could call it. I wasn't feeling a thing, and I was getting closer and closer to seeing my baby with every push. How could I not be happy???

About an hour later, I heard the most amazing sound ever, and my world was forever changed.

Kyli Brooke had entered my life.

I was in love.
This TINY little human being had taken over.
Kyli B was born on 1/7/11, at 3:43pm, weighing 5.8 lbs, and measuring 17 1/4 inches long. And yep, she was full term. My little girl is really my little girl.

And thus, I had officially taken a giant leap into Mommyhood.

I had skin to skin with the baby for about 30 minutes (which was pure heaven on earth and didn't last long enough), and everyone came into see this perfect human being that was just sent from God. She was perfect. I mean PERFECT.

GOOD LORD I LOVE THIS BABY!!!!
And that, ladies and gentleman, is marked as another "best day of my life". I am officially a resident of Mommyhood, and I can't believe I waited so long to get here. It is the best place in the world!

Farewell baby bump...

With today being the last day of being pregnant, I felt the need to break it down and point out some things that I have loved, and some things that I have hated about being pregnant.

BEST PART OF PREGNANCY:
1) All the pregnancy websites and apps on my phone. It was so fun to see "what's happening today, or this month, or this week" in the pregnancy.
2) The "cute part" of pregnancy. When you first start showing and you don't feel like a heifer.
3) You've got an extra excuse to take a nap and be a little bit more lazy. I didn't take advantage of this near as much as I should have.
4) The sonograms.
5) Feeling the baby move around. Most fun and amazing feeling, and the biggest part of the pregnancy that I will miss.

WORST PART OF PREGNANCY:
1) Stretch marks... unless, of course, you're one of those genetic freaks that don't get any.
2) The weight gain. After trying to lose weight for a couple years, it's hard to see the scale move back up.
3) Not working out as vigorously as you would like to.
4) Feeling like there are things you can't do because you are pregnant.
5) The unpleasant comments that idiots make to you. I have a whole other post that I could, and possibly will, write about that one.

This last day of pregnancy is a bit bittersweet for me. It makes me sad that tonight will be the last time we say "Kyli's Prayer" over my stomach. It makes me sad that I won't be feeling her move around in my stomach anymore. It makes me sad that this bond that ONLY I have had with her for the past 40 weeks is about to end, and I have to share her with everyone else... haha.

HOWEVER, we will simply have to come up with a new prayer to say over our sweet precious girl, and we'll get to hold her as we say it.

Sure, I won't be able to feel her move around in my stomach anymore... But I will get to hold her and watch her move around in plain sight, and get to feel her hug me back whenever I hug her. I'll get to feel her sweet hands on my face, and hear her breathe when she sleeps.

And yes, I will now have to share her... haha. But it's gonna be amazing watching her interact with the rest of her family. I will always be her mommy, and I know that at the end of the day, all babies want their mommies over ever one else, right?? RIGHT??? :)

Less than 24 hrs, and I will be in labor. I can't believe this journey is coming to an end. But I am SO EXCITED to be able to start this new one. The next post I write, I will be posting about labor, and there will be pictures of our little girl. This absolutely blows my mind.

Onto the next chapter...

Hello Maternity Leave... tick tock...

So today is my first day of maternity leave. Billy and I went to the doctor on Monday, and he said "I've got nothin but good news for you!"

My ears, who had their little hearts broken the previous Monday by hearing "NO change at all", heard "I've got NO good news for you!"

Let me tell you, I almost leaped off the table. But then the doctor said "NO, I've got nothing BUT good news for you!" Isn't it crazy what our ears and minds hear sometime? Anyway... moving on.

So as I'm laying on the table, and listening to the most precious song in the world... (Kyli's heartbeat), he said "So, you want to meet her this week??" Ummm.. YAH!!!!!

The good news? I'm dilated to a 2, and we asked if we could scheduled to be induced on Friday, and he said "Absolutely, lets do it!" She will only be 1 day early, and absolutely PERFECT!

Billy and I could not feel more blessed. We have never had a scare or anything with this pregnancy, and I've really had an easy one. Minimal sickness in the 1st trimester, still running strong in the 3rd trimester. All of her sonograms have been perfect, never showed any signs of something wrong. She's been the biggest little kicker, and I've never had to worry about her. We've got such a supportive family, and two amazing kiddos at home already. Where is there room to complain? There ISN'T.

So what does an expectant woman do on her first day of maternity leave? Well, you wake up at 9am, eat a cinnamon raisin english muffin with peanut butter on it, make some coffee, and start a long day of lounging on the couch watching tv. 1st show to watch? The tail-end of Regis and Kelly... haha. Can I tell you that I'm sorta excited about watching daytime tv?? It's like a whole notha world :)

And now, I'm watchin some MTV "True Life, I'm Having Twins" show. Whoa... that's a thought huh? And this lady just ate a piece of chalk... like what you write on the blackboard with.... because she was CRAVING some. Umm, disgusting. Thank GOD I never had weird cravings like that.

One last thing before I close this boring blog... I had a dream about my little one last night. I had a dream that she was just born, and I was loving and kissing on her, and she came out already knowing how to pucker those lips. She must know that I'm gonna be kissing her like crazy, haha. She had lots of dark hair, and beautiful little lips, and chubby cheeks. Less than 48 hrs, and I'll be in labor.

Mommyhood, I'm comin for ya!